Exactly 37 Things You should do Instead of . . .

This weekend my wife and I went to a movie. What did we pick, based off of a pretty cool trailer? The Dinner, staring Richard Gere. I will not beat around the bush. I am 47 years old, and it was the most horrendous excuse for a movie that I have ever had the horror of sitting through. Why did I continue sit there? A slither of hope. Hope that somehow and someway this terrible excuse for a cinematic presentation would be skillfully wrapped up in the end. It failed miserably. Not only did it not wrap up, it did not even come close. The movie was a flash of present and past glimpses that at its crescendo led up to . . . wait for it . . . a black screen with credits rolling through and a song blasting the F-bomb every ten words. To say the least, we were frustrated. In all of my years, I have never asked for refund and did not know if it would even work. I asked to speak to the manager and told him the problem. It was not his fault; after all, we picked the movie. He and I were both cordial. He was nice in return and gave us some rain checks for another movie at a later time and said that it happens more often than I think.

I will not begin a new paragraph where I describe the degenerate state of movie making or compare the past to present or stars of yesteryear to the self-absorbed and entitled jackwads of today. There are still good movie making done today with great actors who are masters at the craft. But what I will do is give a list of exactly 37 things that would be better to do if you should have the desire to go see The Dinner:

• Swallow a 9V battery
• Lick the toilet seat of Walmart restroom
• Get a Brazilian wax from a local bicycle mechanic
• Share a bubble bath with Michael Moore
• Give yourself an enema while taking a handful of Lunesta
• Watch a dog eat her puppies
• Listen to a Dixie Chicks’ album on repeat while locked in a hot car
• Live in Iran
• Adopt the entire Kardashian family
• Ride a bicycle for one hundred miles without a seat
• Drink a 40oz smoothie of breastmilk and ketchup
• Kill the last remaining white rhinoceros on earth
• Take a road trip to a Scientology convention with Tom Cruise
• Become a Backstreet Boys reunion concert roadie
• Go to church with Wynonna Judd
• Re-watch this year’s Oscars
• Hire Charlie Sheen and/or Miley Cyrus as a life coach
• Push hemorrhoids back in
• Eat a bowl of cereal from an NFL jockstrap
• Plan and attend all of the parties at a local Chuckie Cheese
• Watch your daughter leave on a date with Justin Bieber
• Shave a homeless man’s armpit hair and use it as a loofah
• Drill though your kneecap, slowly
• Bath in porta-potty sewage
• Get a full chest tattoo of Hillary Clinton
• Eat scrambled eggs off the floor of a New York subway train
• Go to the backyard and burn $100 in a fire pit
• Remove all of the wallpaper from a house then put it all back up
• Attend a women’s rally in Afghanistan
• Puncture both eardrums with an ice pick
• Name your firstborn child “Toenail”
• French kiss Nancy Pelosi
• Run barefoot over a bed of used hypodermic needles
• Swim naked with box jelly fish
• Stare directly into the sun for a full three minutes
• Consume an entire pan of heel shavings from a local pedicure
• Wake up  every morning for the rest of your life to Barney music

In other words, The Dinner is not good. Do not say I did not warn you.

 

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